Jerkoffs: Championship

 

Ray Lewis will be making the trophy presentation this year.

Ray Lewis will be making the trophy presentation this year.

Welcome to the Jerkoff Championship Preview, aka, the post that I’m completely disgusted to write because my team took a complete shit when I needed them most.  How does Peyton Manning have such an uncanny ability to choke in the playoffs even when he doesn’t know it’s the playoffs?  Do you think that somewhere in the back of his mind last Thursday he thought to himself, “well, I’m playing in the playoffs for a bunch of fantasy teams tonight, better turn in a subpar performance?”  In the darkest places of my mind, I actually believe that reality entered his head and impacted his performance.  I’m not exaggerating, I actually believe this.  In other news, Manning can be had for pennies on the dollar in the offseason, Nick Foles forever.

It is worth noting that neither team that enjoyed a bye week managed to make it to the finals.  There might be a little something to that.  Both Frenchy and I were disengaged from the waiver wire and unplugged from the performances of our roster for a full week during the bye.  When it came time to fire the machine back up, we both failed to overcome our opponents.  In Frenchy’s case, it was expected based upon projected scoring.  In my case, I was a huge favorite and came up incredibly short.  That’s why you play the games.  Now that that’s out of my system… it’s time to focus on the Blacktop Seizure Division runner ups who made it to the Jerkoff Championship game. 

The Underdog:  Despite leading the BSD for almost the entire season, the Captain came up just short at the conclusion of the year and failed to clinch a Division crown.  It was of no consequence as he easily handled Silverfox and Dazzle on his way to fight for his third Jerkoff Championship appearance.  The Captain is undefeated in such games having won the inaugural Jerkoff title in 2004 and another in 2006, long before Jerks knew about things like “keeper leagues” and “the internet.”  Projected to score 137.51 points, the Captain has high upside potential as each member of his starting lineup faces a moderate to favorable matchup.  Of particularly high upside are quarterback Tony Romo who is looking to bounce back from an epic Week 15 choke job in a must win game against the Redskins, and Jordan Todman who absolutely torched me last weekend filling in more than capably (dare I say, simply better) for the injured Maurice Jones-Drew.  I have concerns about the viability of Dennis Pitta, as he is still shaking off rust in his return from injury, but otherwise, the Captain boasts an impressive lineup of stat fillers.

The Favorite:  Entering the Jerkoffs as the team no one wanted to play, JPOWW has proven why other teams feared him, easily rolling off two wins to reach the Jerkoff Championship game.  The only thing JPOWW lacks is an ability to close.  Since 2004, JPOWW has visited the Jerkoffs 7 times, including this season.  He has reached the Championship game twice but lost both times, including a historic loss in the JFFL version of the greatest game ever player when he lost to Dazzle in the 2005 Jerkoff Championship game 211.26 – 170.10 (couldn’t help myself), as well as losing last season.  The Jerkoff crown has clearly eluded JPOWW.  In a pre-game interview JPOWW noted, “It’s a little sad how much I actually care if I win. I just had a kid, it’s the week of Christmas, and all I can think about is whether to start Cutler or Russell Wilson.”  That is an actual quote.

JPOWW is slated to rattle off 152.82 points based upon Yahoo! Projections, but as yours truly can attest, those projections don’t mean a thing.  JPOWW’s roster boasts a series of interesting matchups.  Both of his aforementioned quarterbacks have favorable defensive assignments as Russell Wilson faces the Cardinals in a division battle while Jay Cutler goes up against the porous Eagles secondary.  Tough call there.  Demaryious Thomas looks to bounce back after a tough Week 15 but will have to do so against a sneakily  stingy Bucs secondary.  Likewise for probable B Keeper Zac Stacy, he will have to overcome an underrated Tampa Bay front 7 to have a productive fantasy day.  On the bright side, JPOWW should expect Antonio Brown to shine against the Packers and expect Reggie Bush to maul the Giants who struggle with stopping receivers out of the backfield.

The Pick:  Against the spread (15) I’m a big fan of the Captain this week.  I simply like his collection of matchups better than JPOWW’s because they offer a higher ceiling than what JPOWW will be afforded against some tough defensive units.  I can also see a future where everyone refers to this as “The Jordan Todman Year” instead of the “Peyton Manning Year” thanks to a clutch Week 16 performance.  Catching highlights from Todman last week, it’s obvious he has fresh legs at a point in the season when few others do.

A few other things to keep in mind, no jerk has been more snakebit over the JFFL years than JPOWW as no one has made more Jerkoff appearances without a title than he has.  Further, JPOWW scored, by far, the most points in the league this season yet finished 4th in the regular season standings thanks to the 2nd most difficult schedule in the league.  Also, JPOWW cares more than the Captain (who may have passed away months ago for all we know – which would make him the 2nd non-participating champion in league history), and that puts him in danger of pressing and overthinking lineup decisions.  For these reasons, as well as the aforementioned ceiling attached to the Captain’s lineup in addition to his Championship pedigree, I believe Captain will win the Jerkoff Championship outright.

For the sake of JPOWW’s wife and infant child, I hope that I’m wrong.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s