Jerkoffs 2013: Wildcard Round Preview

We are all witness.

We are all witness.

The Jerkoffs start tonight, so why not all jerkoff to the scenarios together? Faster than Trombone can say “Draft Grades,” here are the Jerkoff Wildcard Round Previews:

Captain (4) v. Silverfox (5)

The Captain led the Blacktop Seizure Division, and all of the JFFL, for the majority of the season but came up just short of securing a Division Title and a bye in the season’s final weeks. While no doubt filled with the regret usually reserved for the women of our graduate alma mater who happened to wake up next to any one of us during the morning or early afternoon hours of 2003-2006, the Captain comes into the Jerkoffs as a team with a legitimate opportunity to take the season title. With 1758.22 total points, he boasted the second highest scoring lineup in the JFFL this season. This weekend, he’s favored to win by 15.5 points based upon projected totals.

I anticipate a big game for Desean Jackson who should get plenty of opportunities to get his hands on the ball in a game against the Detroit Lions that should be a shootout. I also like Tony Romo put up good numbers against a Chicago Bears defense that is sorely missing Peanut Tillman in the secondary. Keenan Allen, quietly one of the best players of the year, should continue to solidly produce against the mediocre New York Giants secondary and diminishing pass rush. I’m concerned about the health of Frank Gore who is having ankle issues and is matched up against the tough Seattle Seahawks run defense. Likewise, Gio Bernard may face tough sledding against the Colts, leaving the Captain a little weak at the running back position, particularly with Stevan Ridley benched for being shitty.

Silverfox came into the last week of the season with an opportunity to do to Dazzle, what Frenchy did to the Captain, that is, take the Division title out from under him. While Silverfox also failed, it wasn’t for lack of effort as he handled fellow Jerkoff contender C-Lion in a Week 13 Rivalry Game. Ever the underdog, Silverfox is looking to ride the momentum of his late season surge to advance though another week of the season.

Silverfox’s biggest problem isn’t the Captain, but rather, the matchups his own team is saddled with in Week 14. It’s apparent that few people could have used a bye week more than the Silverfox. RG3-13 is matched against the Kansas City Chiefs whose pass defense statistics have been superb, save two tough games against the Peyton Manning touchdown machine. Adrian Peterson and Lesean McCoy, who will certainly have good days, may be prevented from their typical stellar, team carrying, performances thanks to being matched up against two elite run units in the Baltimore Ravens and Dallas Cowgirls respectively. Injuries will affect Silverfox as well. Vincent Jackson is questionable and bothered by a hamstring injury. With the Bucs season lost, he may well sit in Week 14. Jordy Nelson is impacted by the injury to his battery mate Aaron Rodgers who is looking less and less likely to play in Week 14.

In a stroke of deserved luck for the Captain, he misses a bye but gets the next best thing in a favorable matchup thanks to Silverfox’s many roster issues. With a Yahoo spread set at (-15.5), I’m picking the Captain.

JPOWW (3) v. C-Lion (6)

JPOWW is the team that no one wants to play. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was pleased to see him land on the side of the bracket opposite my own. With 1913.80 total points, JPOWW led the entire league by a wide margin. If not for the leagues 2nd most difficult schedule, JPOWW would have likely found himself situated atop the BSD at the end of the season. Still, JPOWW rallied from a 2-4 hole after 6 weeks to finish the season at 8-5 and come within less than a point in the Week 13 battle between A1 and Frenchy of taking the BSD anyway. This week, JPOWW is a 23.5 point favorite over his biggest fan, C-Lion.

JPOWW has the highest projected point total of the Wildcard Round for good reason. Superstar Jamaal Charles has an extremely favorable matchup against the incompetence that is the 2013 Washington Redskins. Jason Witten has an opportunity for a big week against a Chicago defense that has been torched by tight ends all season long. Even Russell Wilson, against a stout 49ers defense, has an opportunity to do some work with his legs as he may well supply a good portion of the Seattle running game himself. There are some injury concerns with both Reggie Bush and Rashad Jennings, however, thanks to his unbelievable depth, JPOWW could simply replace those players with Zac Stacy and T.Y. Hilton and not miss a beat if necessary.

C-Lion has the 6th highest scoring team in the JFFL this season but has been a consistency king (of the forest), having never fallen below .500 after a Week 1 loss. He clinched 3 high score totals in the 13 week regular season, so his roster does have the ability to put up huge numbers. Huge numbers are what it’s going to take to topple JPOWW’s deep and talented roster.

When you look at the “mega” stars on C-Lion’s roster, it’s no surprise that he has been able to achieve so many high score totals. Drew Brees, Calvin Johnson, and Rob Gronkowski are each capable of putting up individual point totals that carry a team to victory when surrounded by average performances. If two or three of those players put together memorable games, C-Lion is next to impossible to beat. After his worst statistical game that I can ever remember Monday Night at Seattle, I expect Drew Brees to have a “fuck you” performance against the surging Carolina Panthers in a meaningful division battle. I’ve already expressed my shootout expectations in Philly as the Lions take on the Eagles. I have no idea who covers Megatron in the Eagles secondary, but my brain tells me that Cary Williams isn’t going to get it done all by himself. Gronk gets a Cleveland defense that covers wide receivers very well. His smart quarterback and cheating coach will understand that and feed him the ball.

Fuck the rest of C-Lion’s roster, no point in discussing them really. The remaining 7 starters will be absolutely average, no better and no worse, scoring 60-70 points, just as they have been all season. C-Lion has always relied on big individual performances in 2013. I anticipate C-Lion’s Big 3 will blow up this weekend, dropping 100-120 points between the three of them. I also anticipate that, thanks to JPOWW’s historically terrible luck in the JFFL, this will be enough to dive him to victory. I’m taking C-Lion (moneyline) in an upset special that rocks the Wildcard Round of the Jerkoffs.

Advertisements

One response to “Jerkoffs 2013: Wildcard Round Preview

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s