Jerkoffs 2013: Down to the Wire

Typically, I never like to see a penis this close to sharp objects.

Typically, I never like to see a penis this close to sharp objects.

With mere hours left to play in the JFFL regular season, the Jerkoffs picture is beginning to take shape even if there is still much to be settled. Here’s what we know:

  • With a huge week from Eric Decker and Peyton Manning, Dazzle is a cinch to take the Kenny’s Division. There is no plausible path for his lone Division challenger, Silverfox, to wear the Kenny’s hat.
  • With Softness locked in with a low scoring defeat, he will miss the Jerkoffs. Why? Because in order for Softness to qualify for the Jerkoffs with a loss he had to outscore the loser of C-Lion and Silverfox by varying margins to have a chance at entry. Having failed to have done that, he holds a points advantage over only A1. At 7-6 and with 6 Jerkoff spots, he will finish no higher than 7th thanks to his loss this week.
  • With Softness certainly out, JPOWW is certainly in as his total points advantage over the remaining field has him finishing no lower than 6th place even in the event that he finishes the season at 7-6.

What we don’t know is far more interesting. The Blacktop Seizure Division title may not be decided until the final whistle blows this evening. The Captain, JPOWW, and Frenchy are all in the running for the BSD crown. The Wildcard Jerkoff spots are far from decided as well. I’m going to roll through each significant matchup tonight to help you make sense of everything so you can comprehend what is happening tonight.

  • Silverfox/C-Lion.  In the battle of shifty dog versus big cat, the winner will clinch a Jerkoffs berth. The loser will survive and advance to the Jerkoffs only if A1 loses to Frenchy. Both Silverfox and C-Lion can also make the Jerkoffs if they manage to tie (more on this in a moment).
  • Speaking of A1/Frenchy…  A victory by Frenchy coupled by a Captain loss make Frenchy the BSD champion. A Frenchy win will also eliminate A1 from the Jerkoffs thanks to the total points tiebreaker that he will lose to both Softness and the loser of C-Lion/Silverfox (all three of those teams would be 7-6 under that scenario and both Softness and the loser of C-Lion/Silverfox are promised to be 7-6, or slightly better, at the end of the night). An A1 victory will put him in the Jerkoffs at 8-5 with the loser of Silverfox/C-Lion and Softness on the outside looking in. In that scenario, Frenchy still makes the Jerkoffs as a Wildcard. Under the same scenario, the winner of Captain/JPOWW would be crowned the BSD Champion. A ties here lands both teams in the Jerkoffs assuming it’s the only tie of the evening. I’m not wasting my time breaking down a multi-tie scenario.
  • Captain/JPOWW. You’re beginning to see how it’s all interconnected. Both of these teams are going to make it to the Jerkoffs, regardless of the result of this game… unless Silverfox/C-Lion, projected at a 0.95 point differential, tie (ok I’ll project a little bit of tie scenario nonsense). In that case JPOWW could miss the Jerkoffs along with Softness if he were to lose. I’m only mentioning this because I know that no one views fantasy sports with a more defeatist attitude than JPOWW, not even Skillz or Trombone. Barring that unlikely result, a Captain win seals the BSD for him. A Captain loss results in Frenchy taking the BSD crown if he beats A1 and JPOWW taking the BSD in the event that Frenchy loses to A1.

I mentioned the tiny projected point differential in the Silverfox/C-Lion game. The other meaningful games remaining tonight are also projected to be decided by small margins. Captain/JPOWW is projected to be decided by 6.02 points. A1/Frenchy is projected to be decided by 3.86 points. Ridiculously small margins of error. The stupidest little things, a fumble here, a missed field goal there, a receiver stopped at the goal line just before scoring… they will decide the fate of the Jerkoffs tonight. To reiterate, your fate, as Jerkoffs individually, will be decided tonight. Dogfight to finish another great JFFL season which featured more parity than any one that I can remember. Good luck to the remaining contenders, and to those who miss the Jerkoffs, the draft lottery is right around the corner.

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