Jerkoffs 2013: It’s a Cluster Fuck!

That trophy reminds me of something

That trophy reminds me of something

I really struggled to create a trophy graphic when I sat down to do this last week.  No matter what I drew, it just kept looking like a penis wearing a bow tie.  That’s the last time I try to design a prestigious award with my pants off on Formal Phallus Friday.

The Jerkoff picture has never been cloudier this late in the season. 10 teams are still mathematically alive for the playoffs although in reality, it’s an eight team race (we’ll get to that in a moment).  There is a scenario where the team currently ranked first misses the Jerkoffs entirely and the team ranked eighth finds its way in.  Division titles and their accompanying bye weeks remain very much in doubt.  Let’s see if we can make sense of everything, it all falls into two categories:

You’re Fucking Out.  Jewm (4-7, 1360.79 points) and NTMVW (4-7, 1266.70 points) are still mathematically alive, but have no realistic path to the postseason.  In order for either team to make it to the Jerkoffs, Jewm and NTMVW will have to win out, raising their record to 6-7 on the season.  In addition, JPOWW (6-5, 1586.67 points), C-Lion (6-5, 1425.73 points), and A1 (6-5, 1292.82 points) will all have to lose two straight games which is possible since none of them play one another in the last two weeks.  Having said that, Jewm and NTMVW will need to finish with higher point totals than each of these teams in order to win a tiebreaker.  That means that, at a minimum, Jewm will have to outscore JPOWW by 219.12 points over the next two weeks or NTMVW will have to outscore JPOWW by 320.03 points over the next two weeks.  That isn’t going to happen.  Jewm and NTMVW, good luck in the draft lottery.

Who Fucking Knows.  For the rest of the league, everything is on the table at this point.  8 teams are in a dogfight for 6 playoff spots, 7 of which are still in a position to win their respective division.  Why not all 8 you ask?  In an odd twist, after overall record the first Division tiebreaker is division winning percentage followed by total points while the wildcard tiebreaker is total points scored.  That takes C-Lion, who is two games back of his Division leader in both the regular and Division standtings out of the running with only one Division game left per team.  These are default settings that are unchangeable.  That means that the current division leaders Dazzle (8-3, 1459.63 points, 5-0 Division) and Softness (7-4, 1381.90 points, 4-1 Division) are both in the driver seat for a Division title:

  • Kenny’s Division – One Challenger:  Only Silverfox (7-4, 1431.12 points, 4-1 Division) has an opportunity to unseat the Dazzle.  To do so, Silverfox must win out and one of two things must happen, both of which involve Dazzle losing to the OMD in Week 13.  Under the first scenario, Silverfox will take the Kenny’s Division with a one game lead if he wins out and Dazzle loses out.  A Dazzle win in Week 12 does not eliminate Silverfox from the running.   Under the second scenario, if Dazzle wins in Week 12 but loses to OMD and Silverfox outscores Dazzle by 28.51 points over the next two weeks, Silverfox will take the Kenny’s Division.
  • Blacktop Seizure Division – 4 Challengers:  This is where it gets completely fucking crazy.  Despite scoring almost 130 fewer points than the Captain (7-4, 1510.49 points, 3-2 Division), Softness is currently leading the BSD thanks to his 4-1 Division record.  If Softness wins out, the BSD is his.  The 4 teams that trail Softness are all mathematically capable of taking the Division.
    • How the Captain Wins:  Both the Captain and Softness are tied at 7-4.  If the Captain wins out and Softness loses out or goes 1-1, Captain will take the BSD.  In the alternative, if the Captain goes 1-1 with a win in Week 13 and Steve goes 1-1 with a loss in Week 13 and Captain maintains his hefty point margin over Softness, he wins the BSD only if Frenchy (7-4, 1433.58 points, 2-3 Division) does not go 2-0 over the final two weeks.  It only gets more fucked up from here.
    • How Frenchy Wins:  If Frenchy wins out and both the Captain and Softness win no more than 1 game, Frenchy takes the BSD.  If Frenchy goes 1-1 and both the Captain and Softness go 0-2 and JPOWW (6-5, 1586.67 points, 3-2 Division) and A1 (6-5, 1292.82 points, 3-2 Division) do not win more than 1 game Frenchy wins the Division.
    • How JPOWW Wins:  JPOWW must win out to take the BSD.  If Softness, Captain, and Frenchy all go 0-2, JPOWW will take the division.  If Softness, Captain, and Frenchy each win one game and lose in Week 13, JPOWW will win the Division.  If Softness, Captain, and Frenchy each only win 1 game, regardless of which game they  lose, and JPOWW maintains his sizable scoring advantage over all each of them plus A1 (if he were to also go 2-0), JPOWW wins the BSD.
    • How A1 Wins:  The answer is, he doesn’t.  A1 is, by far, the lowest total scoring of the contenders so for the purposes of that tiebreaker level and has no plausible chance of passing anyone once he gets to the second tiebreaker level.  Based upon the matchups, Captain, Softness, Frenchy, and JPOWW cannot all go 0-2.  Additionally, there isn’t a funny win/lose scenario that gets him to the top either.  So while he’s included in the discussion for academic purposes, I’m not even going to waste my time going through the mental gymnastics of putting him atop the BSD.
  • Wildcard:  Let’s keep it real simple here, the eight teams that fall between 8-3 and 6-5 all can either make or miss the Jerkoffs.  We’ll break this down a little further after Week 12 and see if anyone else has been removed from contention or if anyone has managed to clinch a Jerkoff berth.

Try not to think to hard about any of this and just operate under the assumption that winning is good for your Jerkoff chances whereas losing is bad.  That’s really the simplest way to look at things.  I’m going to go check the laundry now and see if my dick bow tie is finished in the dryer.  Friday is just around the corner.

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